


an act of defiance

by lefargen



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: 1984 AU, Dystopia, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Minor Character Death, Post Revolution, Psychological Torture, References to 1984 - George Orwell, Slow Burn, Surveillance, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2019-11-28 21:20:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18213755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lefargen/pseuds/lefargen
Summary: The Party isn’t interested in monitoring lust. Only love and desire. Lust is a body function similar to hunger and breathing; it can be controlled. Love is the most unpredictable force of nature.Jeno didn’t want to have sex to satisfy some innate bodily function. What he wanted was desire to rush through his bloodstream, signaling the ultimate feeling of rebellion; love.or: noren 1984 au





	1. freedom is slavery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello guys! this story is a fic divided into 3 chapters based off of the novel 1984 by george orwell. I followed the general plot very closely, however there are several changes that have been made, including the ending. 
> 
> all ot21 will be included in this fic at some point and some people will be killed off and others will do things that are a little... villainous?? that is just to fit with the plot so please don't be mad, and i hope this serves as a warning. 
> 
> also i was unsure how to tag this story, so if there is anything you think is missing that should be added please let me know.

When Jeno enters his apartment, he sees the screen has positioned itself away from the center of the room. This means there is a small corner of the room where he cannot be seen. He can be heard, so makes sure not to say anything. Not that he would anyway, because speaking to oneself would be seen as abnormal. No one is allowed to be abnormal. 

It isn’t often that the screen allows people privacy. There are three official slogans of the party. The first slogan states that Freedom is Slavery. As a member of the party, Jeno doesn’t get to enjoy even a spec of privacy. He is constantly being watched to make sure he does nothing abnormal. If he so much as makes one questionable facial expression, he could be reported to the thought police. 

Jeno is almost certain that what he is about to do would have the thought police knocking down his door and vaporizing him. However, he can’t help himself. Something compels him to do something he inevitably knows is illegal. 

He walks across the room, to where the screen cannot see him, and pulls out a notepad and pen. He was strolling the streets amongst the proles and ducked into an antique store owned by a couple around his age and purchased the items, despite knowing it was illegal. Party members are not under any circumstances allowed objects like this. 

Jeno sits in the corner and contemplates what to write. This is basically his journal. He knows from days prior to the revolution that sometimes people write about their days in journals, reflect on how they felt about their experiences. Jeno knows that such thoughts are illegal under the Party. All thoughts are illegal under the Party. 

Earlier in the day, Jeno gathered with other members of the Party at the community center to participate in Hate Day. People take their seats, surrounded by pictures of Big Brother and get ready to yell venomous words. As Jeno sits down, he makes eye contact with a member of the inner party. _Doyoung_

Jeno has come across Doyoung multiple times at the Ministry of Knowledge where Jeno works. Doyoung works at the Ministry of Love, but sometimes, his job as an inner party member allows for him to come to the Ministry of Knowledge and check-up on the outer party. 

Doyoung carries himself differently than other members of the inner party. Everytime he walks down the halls he gets a certain look on his face. A look that resembles doubt; a look that says “I’m not sure if I believe in this anymore, or if I ever did.” The look is undetectable to most people but not to Jeno. Jeno recognizes it as a look similar to what graces his own face. 

His attention is pulled by the beginning of Hate Day. Hate Day happens once a month, as a way for everyone to get out their bottled up emotions so they can continue to submit to the party. It begins by a picture of Big Brother being projected on the screen. 

_All Rise and Salute Big Brother. Our Supreme Leader. Big Brother who saved us all from the Revolution. Big Brother who protects us. Big Brother who loves us. Big Brother who gives us what no one else could._

Jeno salutes the screen, not wanting to be seen by the thought police as abnormal. Everyone around him does the same, looking at big brother with feelings ranging from respect to adoration, to unconditional love. He recognizes the boy next to him, a boy who is in tears when looking at Big Brother. Renjun, Jeno’s mind supplies. 

Renjun is the most beautiful person Jeno has ever seen, but Jeno hates him. He sees the sash around Renjun’s chest, indicating his membership of the Adolescents Against Sex League (AASL). He recognizes the absolute dedication towards Big Brother on Renjun’s face and he hates it. Jeno knows that if Renjun suspected the thoughts going through his mind, he would report him to the thought police immediately. 

Suddenly the portrait of Big Brother disappears, and instead a picture of Nakamoto Yuta is displayed, and the atmosphere changes completely. The room is silent for precisely one moment, before breaking out into intense, angry screaming. 

Nakamoto Yuta betrayed Big Brother and the Party. Some say he leads a rebellion called the Brotherhood, others say it’s just a rumor. Jeno doesn’t know if Yuta is alive, or if he even exists at all. He figures it is irrelevant. 

Yuta’s role in their society is to be an object at which the Party can direct their hate at. Teach the citizens what it means to betray Big Brother, how angry the idea should make them. An object that everyone can vent their frustrations out on without having to sit and think about why they are angry in the first place. 

Jeno yells because he knows if he doesn’t he will be seen as abnormal, and be forced to face the consequences. He looks around the room as people yell and scream at Yuta’s portrait. Renjun is screaming louder than anyone, pure rage radiating from his rich, brown eyes. Jeno hates him even more in this moment. He hates the type of person he represents. He hates how he is still attracted to him despite everything. 

He briefly makes eye contact with Doyoung amongst all of the yelling. The two exchange a look, and in that moment, Jeno knows Doyoung is thinking the exact same thing he is. They both know it’s all an illusion. Freedom is not slavery; this trap of monotonous, organized routine centered around no real purpose is slavery. Having no ability to think for yourself is slavery. 

Which brings Jeno back to his thoughts, in his room, away from the screen, in front of his notebook. He takes a deep breath, and with one quick stroke of the pen, he begins to write. 

The act of owning the counterfeit paper is an act of rebellion, but actually writing in it is full fledged betrayal of Big Brother and betrayal of the Party. Jeno is fairly certain that this act will result in his death, whenever he gets caught for it. 

_They say freedom is slavery, but it isn’t--- I know it isn’t. Freedom is having the ability to write that 2+2=4 and knowing that that is the truth. Freedom is knowing that 2+2 will always equal 4, no matter what the Party says. They can take away privacy, and thinking, but they can never take away this one truth,_ he writes.

He thinks he should feel guilty for this, but he doesn't. The act is cathartic. The act is a direct result of the emotions he has been repressing for years. Emotions that would make him afraid of being caught and killed, had it not been for the fact that the life he is living doesn’t quite feel like life at all. This compels him to fill the page with words that would surely end in him getting vaporized. 

_DOWN WITH THE PARTY. DOWN WITH BIG BROTHER. DOWN WITH SOCIETY. DOWN WITH BIG BROTHER. DOWN WITH BIG BROTHER. DOWN WITH BIG BROTHER._

Jeno fills the enter page with such sentiment, before his hand cramps up, not used to writing at all. He puts his pen down and breathes deeply, trying to compose himself after letting himself think for the first time in years. 

Not even a minute after he puts down the pen there is a knock on his door. Jeno can’t believe it. He had already been caught for his thought crime. He was surely going to become vaporized, and the notebook would be destroyed. No one would ever read it and hear of his thoughts, his entire existence erased from this Earth. He quickly puts the notebook in the drawer, and heads to the door, fully expecting to be greeted by the thought police. 

When he opens the door, he is shocked to see his neighbor Kun standing in front of him. Kun looks apologetic, looking at Jeno with emotion so evident, Jeno is sure Kun himself will be vaporized sooner or later. 

“Hi Jeno,” Kun says quietly. “I’m sorry to bother you, but I have a leaking faucet that I am not sure how to fix. Johnny is out right now, otherwise I would have him take a look,” Kun says. Jeno quickly closes the door behind him and heads across the hall into Kun’s apartment. 

They are immediately met with two terrors in front of them, one boy and one girl. These are Kun’s children. The boy takes one look at Jeno and starts yelling. “This man is a traitor. He is a thought criminal and he needs to be vaporized. When I become a spy for the government, I will report you to the thought police for disobeying the laws of Big Brother!” he screams, voice getting angrier and angrier as he works himself up. 

Jeno would be worried about being caught if he didn’t know that all children are like this. Children are taught to have blind loyalty towards Big Brother, to look for abnormalities in everyone. They are trained to rat out all people in their lives, including their parents. 

Jeno takes a quick look at Kun and sees the man’s tired, vacant eyes. He has bags under his eyes that indicate he hasn’t been sleeping much, and the dull, sunken skin of a man who has all but given up on life. Jeno knows these kids will report Kun to the thought police someday, and by the looks of it, Kun knows it too. 

Jeno ignores the boy, and gets to work fixing the faucet. While he fiddles with the wrench, the girl starts complaining. She is furious that Kun would not let them attend the live execution that is happening in the city center today. Kun tries to coddle her but nothing will help remove her from her anger. Jeno thinks she is a lost cost. 

He finishes the job quickly, wanting to leave as soon as possible. As he leaves, Kun thanks him profusely for fixing the faucet, but Jeno knows that what he is actually grateful for is the closest thing to human interaction that either of them has had in a long time. 

Jeno rushes out the room and to his own, escaping the chanting of Kun’s son yelling “Traitor! Traitor! Traitor!” at him as he exits. By the time he gets back he knows that it is lights out. Staying up any later could look abnormal. 

The screen has now moved itself back into its original position. Jeno turns off the lights and gets into bed. With the lights off, the screen can’t technically see him, though he chooses to stay completely still lest it detect any movement gathered from the microphones installed in his room. 

As Jeno lays in bed, his mind drifts to his drawer in the corner of his room, the forbidden notebook hidden inside. Jeno know that no one will ever read it, and those who would would see him as a traitor. But Jeno isn’t writing for them. He is writing for himself, to people like him. He is writing because it is an act of rebellion against the Party and at the end of the day, that alone is enough for him.

-

As Jeno sleeps, he is encountered with two strange dreams. He is lucky the room is dark and his facial expressions cannot be detected or his screen surely would have reported him to the thought police. Unconscious thinking is still thinking, and therefore not allowed. 

In his first dream, Jeno is in a dark room, no natural light at all. A basement or cellar perhaps. The only light comes from a fluorescent light bulb overhead, illuminating a cramped room with nothing but a table and two chairs, one of which he is sitting on. 

There is a voice calling to him from outside the door. _Meet me in the place where there is no darkness. Jeno, meet me in the place where there is no darkness._ The door opens, the voice about to step into the room, when Jeno is awakened from his dream. 

He lays in bed still, pretending to be asleep so he doesn’t catch the attention of the screen, which might wonder why he is awake at 3:30am, and accuse him of being abnormal. He thinks over the voice, knowing he has heard it before. It takes a couple of minutes but he finally places the voice in his dream to someone real. _Kim Doyoung_

Jeno doesn’t know what to think of this, and promptly falls back asleep. He is greeted by a second dream. This one involving a person standing in front of him. 

Jeno doesn’t know who this person is but he knows they are stunning. He can picture their soft, brown hair, and what it would feel like between his fingertips. He sees a slender frame, with milky white legs that make Jeno’s mouth water. Delicate fingers. A pair of soft, pink lips. Fiery brown eyes. 

Jeno is reaching out to his person in his dreams, his mind thinking only one thing. _Touch. Touch. Touch._ By the time Jeno wakes up, he is aware of the fact that the person in this dream was Renjun. However, it is time for Jeno to get up and do his morning exercises so he doesn’t dwell it on. 

Jeno wakes up and immediately has a coughing fit, just like he does every morning. He quickly rolls out of bed, cognizant of the time, and quickly the stands in front of the screen to begin his exercises. 

The screen starts yelling out instructions. _All right everyone, time to touch your toes. Start by reaching down to your knees. Hold for three seconds. Now go to your calves. Hold for three seconds. Now go to your toes. Hold for 15 seconds._

Jeno tries to touch his toes, but he can’t reach much farther than the tops of his ankles. His back has been killing him lately, making morning exercises more difficult than normal. 

“72521 Lee Jeno,” the screen barks suddenly. “I said touch your toes. Everyone else is working extremely hard right now. Bend down farther.” Jeno can’t help but feel annoyed at the screen, but he knows he can’t doing anything. If he were to show any emotion change on his face he would certainly be pointed out for showing an abnormality. 

So he pushes through the pain, gritting his teeth as subtly as he can, and reaches down further to his toes. He goes through the rest of the morning exercises without much trouble, no time for his mind to dwell on the interesting dreams he had had the night before. 

-  
After his morning exercises, Jeno gets ready and heads to work. Jeno works at the Ministry of Knowledge, where he works on changing articles written and archived by the _Times_ , the official newspaper of the Party. 

Jeno sits at his desk and waits for a long, metal tube to drop off the paper that includes a correction to a previous article. Jeno finds that article on his computer and edits it, before dropping the paper down a separate tube where it is presumably destroyed. 

Jeno receives an a note telling him to change an article from the day before. Big Brother said that it was supposed to rain, but there had been nothing but clear skies. Jeno rewrites the article and says that Big Brother claimed it would be sunny all day. 

Jeno’s job is too essentially rewrite the past so everything that the Party said that ended up being false couldn’t be proven. Anyone who would look at this article from the future would see an article claiming that Big Brother said it would be sunny and then it was. No one will ever know the true expect for Jeno.

He looks over at the people in the cubicles next to him, tubes dropping off papers of their own. To his right is Chenle. Chenle has the job of removing the names of people who have been vaporized from public record. He receives a paper with a name, and deletes every single record of them. 

If they appear in article written by the _Times_ , Jeno will receive a paper telling him to rewrite the article and remove their names. Jeno erases untrue claims, Chenle erases entire people. 

To his left is a boy named Jisung, a little younger than Jeno and tasked with rewriting poetry. The Party has issued a new language, NewSpeak, and it is Jisung’s job to rewrite the poems in this new language. He also must delete any lines that are not in line with the Party’s values. 

The three of them worked for the entire morning, deleting and rewriting history without question. No one uttered a word, the only sound coming from the whoosh of the tubes delivering their corrections and the soft click on their fingertips hitting the keyboards in front of them. It wasn’t until the loud clang of the lunch bell sounded, that they were able to take a break.

-

Jeno enters the dining hall, grabs his food, and sits down at his usual table. Moments later he is joined by his friend Jaemin. Well, the closest thing to a friend he can have as a member of the Party. 

Jaemin also works for the Ministry of Knowledge, but his work is much different than Jeno’s. Jaemin is in charge of creating the NewSpeak dictionary, spending his days deleting hundreds of words that won’t be featured in the newest edition. 

“Jeno, the work I am doing is absolutely incredible. The way we are simplifying language is absolutely genius. I mean we have so many words, and so little use for them. Like I just used the word incredible but was it really necessary? When I could have just said good? Or if I wanted to emphasize it, I could say it was plusgood. Or even plusplusgood. There is no need for all of this extra vocabulary,” Jaemin says animatedly, shoveling food in his mouth quickly before continuing. 

“I mean think about it Jeno. People will barely be caught by the thought police because they won’t have the vocabulary to be having complex thoughts. No one will betray the Party ever again, Jeno. Isn’t that brilliant?” he asks, eyes sparkling in excitement. 

Jeno nods trying to smile at his friends enthusiasm, but it’s hard to fake happiness when he realizes that Jaemin is going to be vaporized soon. He may be dedicated to the Party and his work, but his eagerness is dangerous. Jeno doubts he will last till the end of the month. 

“What we are doing is establishing orthodoxy. That means not having to think or experience true consciousness like we are right now. Doesn’t that sound wonderful, Jeno?” Jaemin rambles on, as he continues to eat. 

Luckily Jeno is saved from having to answer by being interrupted by someone slamming their tray down and sitting next to them. Jeno looks up and sees Johnny, Kun’s husband. Johnny is someone who Jeno thinks will never vaporized. He is brainwashed to the point of unconsciousness. 

“Hello Jeno, Jaemin. Hope you guys are doing as well as I am on this fine day,” Johnny says smugly. Jeno and Jaemin exchange quick looks before Jaemin asks tentatively, “Did something happen?”

“Why yes! My daughter went out yesterday with her class and got two people vaporized. She said she could tell by looking at them that they were spies and enemies of Big Brother. Her dedication to the Party is astounding at her age, and she speaks NewSpeak so well,” Johnny brags. 

Johnny and Jaemin proceed to talk about NewSpeak and how it is the language of the future while Jeno lets his eyes wonder. 

Jeno can’t help but notice the conversations going on around the room. How so many people are talking but no one is saying anything of substance. _Unconsciousness._

He looks across the room and finds a pair of eyes already on him. Renjun. Jeno feels vulnerable under the intensity of Renjun’s stare. He can see the severity behind Renjun’s gaze, and he understands then and there that Renjun knows what he is thinking. 

It is highly likely that Renjun is going to report him to the thought police, and Jeno tries to be upset about it. But when he looks into Renjun’s deep brown eyes the only emotion he can feel is longing. They stare at each other for almost a full minute before an announcement breaks their eye contact. 

“Attention everyone. Big Brother has an announcement to make. As of today, we will be reducing the chocolate ration from 60mg to 45mg. Thank you,” the voice says, finishing as quickly as it begins. 

The screen goes blank and by the time Jeno looks across the room again, Renjun is gone, having gone back to work already. Jeno quickly bids farewell to Johnny and Jaemin before doing the same. He doesn’t think he can sit and listen to blind devotion for much longer without going crazy, and at this point in time, his sanity is the only thing that truly belongs to him. 

-

Jeno feels desire all around him. He has even been tempted by prostitutes, but has never followed through, even though many in the Party have. He knows if he were to get caught, the consequences would not be severe. The Party isn’t interested in monitoring lust. Only love and desire. Lust is a body function similar to hunger and breathing; it can be controlled. Love is the most unpredictable force of nature. 

Jeno was engaged, but he wasn’t in love. He was arranged to be married by the Party, but he hasn’t seen his fiance in almost year. Just as quickly as they put the two of them together, they separated them. Jeno isn’t sure where she is or why she was taken from him but he can’t bring himself to care. He knows he could never love her. 

At one of their meetings they almost had sex. As they were undressing, Jeno noticed her body was shaking, face pale and expressionless. “Are you sure about this?” Jeno asked, worried about the possibility of pressuring her. 

She nodded quickly, face unchanging. “Procreating is how we carry on our civilization. Therefore, it is our duty to the Party,” she had said. Jeno felt his stomach tighten uncomfortably at her words, and put his clothes back on saying they should wait until marriage. 

He didn’t want to have sex to satisfy some innate bodily function. What he wanted was desire to rush through his bloodstream, signaling the ultimate feeling of rebellion; love. 

-

When Jeno gets home, he immediately goes for his journal. He has finally reached his breaking point and he needs to write down the words he knows he can never share. 

_Society cannot be saved, it needs to save itself. That will never happen. People need to be conscious in order to rebel, but they will not rebel unless they are conscious. The Party is full of unconscious people. Our only hope is the proles. If there is a future, it is through the proles._

The hierarchy of society is this: at the top is Big Brother, their supreme leader. Below him are members of the inner party, and below that is the outer party, of which Jeno is a member. Below them are the proles, those not involved in the Party because they have no wealth, power, or purpose. 

Jeno thinks back to an old controversy regarding three inner party members, Ten, Jaehyun, and Winwin. During one Hate Day, it was announced that they had betrayed the Party, and committed high crimes against Big Brother. They confessed for their crimes, and miraculously, were able to keep working for the Party. 

Jeno saw them from time to time at the Ministry of Knowledge, and watched from afar as they carried on as normal. The entire situation baffled him. It wasn’t until one day when they walked into the coffee shop he frequented that he finally understand. 

The three of them sat expressionless, not talking as their coffees grew cold. Jeno spared glances every couple of seconds, wondering how they could act like expressionless robots after all they have done. When he looked closer, he realized he has wrong. 

Every single one of them had tears in their eyes. Jeno didn’t know how he knew this, but in that moment, he understood that they were innocent. Jeno looked away quickly, the raw emotion being too much for him to handle, but he saw something special that day that he hadn’t seen in awhile. Pure and unadulterated emotion. 

The next week, Jeno gets news that they committed and confessed to more crimes, and this time they were being executed for it. Jeno, who typically wasn’t a fan of the executions, went anyway. 

The three men stood on a platform with nooses around their necks, each with a different emotion on their face. _Hopelessness. Despair. Defeat._ As the floor dropped from under them, they all screamed. Ten was the last to die, muttering something under his breath. As he takes his last breath, Jeno realizes he was saying a prayer. Amen. 

The memory compels Jeno to keep writing in his journal. 

_I understand the how but I don’t understand the why. I know how the government controls us. They lie and take away all methods for us to dissent, even the ability to form our own thoughts. What I don’t understand is why they do it. This is the thought that haunts me. This is what I must figure out._

Jeno puts down his pen and makes a decision that will alter the course of his life forever. He is going to talk to Doyoung. 

-

Jeno has the next day off, and days like these are normally spent amongst other Party members at the community center. However, an announcement made that morning was so upsetting that he didn’t think he could stomach it. 

_Attention all Party Members. Big Brother would like to announce the final report for the month. As you remember, we have maintained peace with our ally Euroasia, and have defeated our enemy Oceania in many battles. We also raised the chocolate ration this month to 45mg, and we…_

Jeno stopped listening almost immediately. The Party was claiming that they increased the chocolate ration when just yesterday they announced that they were actually decreasing it. And no one would say anything. Jeno doubted they would even notice. Tomorrow when Jeno goes to work, he will receive a small piece of paper from a gigantic metal tube that will tell him to go back and rewrite history to fix the chocolate error. The thought makes him sick. 

Jeno decides that he will skip the community center today, but only for the day. Skipping more than once would be seen as abnormal and could result in his own vaporization. Jeno decides he needs fresh air, so he goes to where he knows no other Party members will be; amongst the proles. 

It isn’t illegal to associate with the proles, but it is seen as highly abnormal, so Jeno has to be careful. The neighborhoods the proles live in are also more dangerous, bombs dropping on entire blocks of people somewhat frequently. Jeno remembers the last time he visited a prole neighborhood and a bomb dropped near him. When the rubble cleared from around him, he noticed a severed human hand in front of him. Needless to say, Jeno didn’t return for awhile. 

He spends the day walking amongst the proles, listening to their conversations and immersing himself in their way of life. It is so different to his own, struck by poverty and danger, and yet Jeno can’t help but feel like they have a lot more freedom than he does. 

There is one topic that comes up a lot amongst the proles, and that’s the lottery. It is a habit for the proles to memorize every number combination that has ever happened for the lottery. Jeno doesn’t have the heart to tell them that it’s all fake, the winners don’t even exist. He would never take away that last strand of hope from them. 

Jeno eventually takes a break from strolling, his back starting to ache again. He takes refuge in a run down pub, sitting next to a man slightly older than he is. After several moments, it occurs to Jeno that this man is old enough to remember life before the revolution much better than Jeno could. 

Jeno looks at the man awkwardly, careful not to draw too much attention to himself. “Excuse me,” he mutters, getting the man’s attention. “What’s your name?” 

The man looks at him curiously for a moment, brows furrowed and lips pursed. “My name is Taeil,” the man mutters softly. His face looks confused, but his body remains relaxed, shoulders slouched as he takes a sip from the pint sitting in front of him. 

“Hi Taeil, My name is Jeno. I heard you order a pint. I haven’t heard people say that in years. Everyone has switched to liters and half liters. It’s crazy how much things have changed since… well since the Revolution,” Jeno says gently, trying to ease his way into conversation. 

Taeil gets a dreamy look in his eyes, the look people have when they are thinking about the past. “Yeah. Some habits, especially the small ones, are hard to shake no matter how much has changed,” he says, melancholy evident in his voice. 

Jeno nods softly before beginning to pry. “I’m sure a lot has changed since then, don’t you think? Do you remember anything else about life before the Revolution? They always say that society was so awful that life didn’t even begin until Big Brother. I’m sure there were some pleasant parts though, right?” he asks. 

Taeil looks at Jeno so fiercely, alerting Jeno that his advances were no subtle. “Listen, Jeno. I am going to give you some advice. Don’t focus too much on the past, it is irrelevant. You cannot go back there, and dwelling on it will drive any sane person mad. Focus on the future. It might not be as hopeless as you think it is. I can tell by looking at you that you have the power to bring a new light to the past. I hope you take advantage of that,” he says before turning away from Jeno. 

Jeno thinks over what Taeil has said to him. He realizes that he is never going to get a proper response about the past from him, no matter how much he pries. He sighs heavily, before bidding Taeil goodbye and heading back to the backstreets. 

He walks around for awhile, Taeil’s words replaying over and over again in his mind. His feet feel heavy against the pavement, legs carrying him through the backstreets of the city, walking amongst the proles like he is one of them. He walks until he sees a familiar place. 

Standing in front of his is an old antique shop, the shop where he purchased the journal. Going in again could lead to consequences for Jeno, including getting vaporized, but he goes in anyway. At this point, his behavior has been so abnormal he doesn’t have much to lose. 

When he enters the shop he is immediately greeted by the couple that runs the shop. Mark and Haechan, his mind supplies. 

“Oh, it’s journal boy,” the red-haired one speaks up, a smirk on his face. “I remember every antique we sell, especially these days. I’m afraid there isn’t much left of these little treasures,” he says sadly. 

The black-haired one comes up to Jeno and shakes his hand. “I’m not sure if you remember, but I’m Mark. What brings you back Jeno? I know people have been looking for razors, but we are all out of them I’m afraid,” he finishes apologetically. 

Jeno smiles and shakes his head gently. “I’ve been feeling a connection to the past. But I’ve been told I shouldn’t dwell too much on it and instead give old ideas a new place in the future. This seems like a good place to do that,” he admits gently. 

Mark and Haechan nod understandingly, and show him around the store. They talk for hours, wandering around the room, picking up and discussing item after item. Jeno feels elated talking to them, making conversation together like they’ve known each other all of their lives. 

Eventually, Mark and Haechan even show him their private room, where they keep their best items, too valuable to be displayed in the store. Jeno is amazed at what he sees, the room full of trinkets and treasures he has never seen before. 

Jeno’s eyes spy something from across the room, and his eyes immediately light up. He has never seen one in person, but he has a vague idea of what it is, enough to know it when he sees it. A guitar. 

Mark senses Jeno’s eyes on the object and smiles softly. “I can play, you know,” he mutters gently, grabbing the guitar. “Haechan sings and I play. We only know a couple of songs, but we can play one for you if you’d like,” he offers. 

Jeno immediately agrees, sitting down on the small four poster-bed in the corner of the room. Mark starts strumming a familiar tune, a song Jeno swears he has heard before. Right now, the only song Jeno can recite from memory is the official song of the Party. 

Haechan locks eyes with Mark, the two looking at each other with a love that Jeno didn’t even know existed, before opening his mouth and beginning to sing. Jeno is immediately taken aback by Haechan’s voice and the melodic tune he is able to carry. 

_Wherever I am, even if I'm dreaming_  
_To me, it's only you_  
_I'll swear upon the rest of my life_  
_There won't be another you, you're my last_

Jeno recites the lines over and over again in his head, trying to commit it to memory. He wants to remember something worthwhile, poetry in his mind that runs beyond Party propaganda. Mark and Haechan finish the song, looking at each other in a way that makes Jeno feel like is intruding. His eyes wonder the room before settling on a shiny object on top of a case in the corner. Jeno gets up and walks towards it, hands reaching out to touch it. 

“Awww,” Haechan begins, eyes breaking from Mark’s to see what Jeno is so intrigued by. “I see you’ve found the claddagh ring.” Haechan exchanges a knowing smile with Mark before walking towards Jeno, 

“The hand represents friendship, the crown represents loyalty, and the heart represents love. The world seems devoid of those concepts lately. I think this ring serves as a reminder of the most important parts of life,” he finishes. Jeno is fascinated, the ring represented everything he wants that the party is trying to take away from them. 

“Why don’t you keep it,” Mark suggests, arm wrapping around Haechan, and staring up at Jeno with calm, warm eyes. Jeno is taken aback by the suggestion, shocked that Mark would give up such a precious item. 

Mark, sensing Jeno’s hesitancy, speaks up again, “I’m serious. This ring represents the parts of life that shouldn’t be forgotten. It’s important to have a reminder, in case someone tries to take it away. I have my reminder right here,” he says, looking at Haechan sweetly. 

“How much should I pay you,” Jeno asks reaching into his pocket to pull out his wallet. Haechan stops him before he can offer him cash, “It’s free. On one condition. Come back and visit us,” he states. Jeno agrees happily, thanking the two for not just the ring, but also their company. 

He leaves shortly after, knowing he must get home soon in order to make curfew. When he exits the store, he sees a familiar face. Standing there, on his long, skinny legs is Renjun. The sight of him makes Jeno absolutely sick. 

Jeno knows in that moment that Renjun is following him, that at this point he has enough information on him to report him to the thought police. In this moment, Jeno hates Renjun more than anything. Hates the way he so willingly sold his soul to Big Brother and the Party. Hates that even though he is about to ruin Jeno’s life, Jeno can’t help but think about how stunning he looks. 

They make eye contact for a brief moment, before Renjun runs, scurrying past Jeno and into the side streets. Jeno doesn’t follow him. Doesn’t see a point. He walks home, the ring sitting heavy in his pocket, serving as a reminder to life outside of the Party, outside of Big Brother, outside of unconsciousness. He wants to take the ring, a distant memory of the past, and keep it alive today.

When Jeno gets home, the screen is facing away again, meaning he has a couple minutes of freedom before he must go to bed. He takes out the ring and puts it into the drawer for safe and secret keeping and pulls out his journal. 

_The thought police are surely coming for me. I don’t know what it has in store but I think they are going to torture me. Torture me and then kill me. No one will ever read this, except maybe the thought police and members of the inner party._

_I think I am writing this to Doyoung, though I know he will never read this. I am writing to tell him that I understand now. I was looking for answers in the past, but that’s all wrong. He told me to meet him in the place where there is no darkness. I understand where that is now. The Future._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! the second part of this series will be posted at some point within the next 10, and it will be mostly about noren's relationship so please look forward to it. as always I am open to any comments, criticism, and ideas that you want to leave me. 
> 
> the song they sing is the translated version of my first and last uwu... also i almost changed "big brother" to "hyung" in the fic because i thought it was a fun play on words but i was afraid ppl would be confused lmao
> 
> also title of the fic comes the song june by florence + the machine and i plan on writing fics for every song on her high as hope album 
> 
> ps. jeno's number 72521 is a reference to another dystopian novella. brownie points to anyone who knows what it's from
> 
>  
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/lefargenjeno)
> 
>  
> 
> [my cc](https://curiouscat.me/lefargen)


	2. love is hate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeno grabs Renjun by the neck and pulls him in for a kiss. This isn’t a kiss to sustain a natural bodily function, like his fiance had thought. It isn’t in the name of Big Brother like the Party preaches. It isn’t even to satiate the desire that overwhelms them. This was a political statement. Their kiss was an act of rebellion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!! please enjoy the second installment of this chapter. just a quick warning there is minor character death in this chapter as well as talks of suicide/ suicidal ideation, but dw there is no actual suicide.
> 
> i hope this story is easy to follow. i followed the plot to 1984 pretty closely, but i hope renjun/jeno's relationship makes sense and flows nicely.

Jeno waits for the thought police to come knocking on his door, but they never come. His days pass as they have been, living his life simply to avoid being seen as abnormal. He wakes up, has a coughing fit, and does his exercises. When he is done, he goes to work and the community center. Over and over again. Repeating the same tasks everyday. Living a life of monotony, lacking love, laughter, light. All in the name of Big Brother. 

It isn’t till nearly a week later that he runs into Renjun again. He is walking back to his desk after lunch, when he sees him. Renjun walks towards him, a noticeable limp in his right leg. He doesn’t acknowledge Jeno’s presence at all, even though they are the only two people in the hallway. 

As they pass each other, Jeno catches Renjun just as his leg gives out, helping him stand. He grasps Renjun’s hand, steadying him, when he feels a slip of paper being placed into his hand. He doesn’t mention it as Renjun stands up and walks away, limp suddenly gone from his gait. 

Jeno walks to his desk, the note firmly grasped in his hand as he sits down. He wants to read it right that second, but knows he must wait. He continues work as normal, the note not leaving his mind for a single second. 

When he gets home, the screen is facing away, giving him some privacy. The screen turns itself away randomly, once every two weeks at most. He can’t help but feel as though fate intervened for it to be facing away today. 

He goes in the corner, takes a deep breath and shakily opens the note. Inside, in neat, delicate handwriting reads:

_I love you._

Jeno is shocked. This note changes everything. He knows that Renjun isn’t actually in love with him, but it does signal a few things. The first being that he is on his side. Saying those words signals rebellion against the Party. Afterall, the second slogan of the party is Love is Hate. 

Jeno notes that this also signals Renjun’s interest in him. He doesn’t know whether it be as friend, fellow rebel, or perhaps something more. The thought excites him, sending shivers up his spine. He needs to talk to Renjun as soon as possible, but he can’t be reckless. He places the note carefully in his drawer, right next to his journal and claddagh ring, spending the rest of the night figuring out how to get to Renjun. 

-

Jeno decides that the best way to get to Renjun is to talk to him in the cafeteria. Jeno eats with Jaemin, and Renjun eats with two workers from the Department of Peace, Xiaojun and Hendery. He needs to get to the cafeteria before their friends, or they can’t speak. He has to sit close enough to Renjun that they can speak, but far enough that it looks like they just coincidentally sat at the same table and aren’t eating together. The two of them speaking openly would be seen as abnormal. 

The first day he gets there too late, Hendery and Xiaojun already flocked to Renjun’s side. The second day he arrives at the cafeteria and sees Jaemin already sitting down, waving him over. The third day he is interrupted by Johnny, coming to boast about his children again. The fourth day Renjun isn’t in the cafeteria at all. Finally, on the fifth day, he catches him. 

Jeno sits down quickly, sitting kitty corner to Renjun, making sure to avoid eye contact. He speaks softly, lips barely moving, “Where can we meet?” Nothing in Renjun’s demeanor indicates that he heard him, but a gentle voice responds, “Empathy Square.”

“Won’t there be screens?” Jeno asks quickly, trying to figure out plans before someone comes over to their table. “It doesn’t matter as long as a lot of people are around. Don’t come near me until you see a lot of people surrounding me. Meet me there at 8:30,” Renjun finishes. Just as quickly as it began, there conversation is over. 

Jeno allows himself one quick glance at Renjun, taking in his warm brown eyes smooth jawline, and immediately regrets it. Not because he is afraid he will be seen as abnormal, but because it made it so much harder to control himself. Renjun had a face that was impossible to look away from. 

-

Jeno arrives at Empathy Square later that night, and sees Renjun already there. Luckily for him, there are already people surrounding him. He starts off in the same general direction that Renjun is walking, and as a truck passes, they duck into an alleyway. 

Renjun begins speaking very quickly, both painfully aware of the fact that microphones could pick up everything they are saying. “Are you free this Sunday?” he murmurs quietly. Jeno moves his head up once, the slightest indication of a nod. Renjun passes him a note with a map on it. “Follow the map and meet me at the location at 2pm. I might be late, I will come from a different way,” he says, before ducking quickly back into the crowd. 

Jeno follows, noticing immediately the shift in energy amongst the crowd. The Department of Peace is carrying political prisoners through the crowd to be executed right in the middle of Empathy Square and people are rioting, shouting and screaming insults at the prisoners. The crowd rushes together trying to get a good view of what is about to happen, and pushes Jeno into Renjun.  
There is so much going on, there is no way the screens would be able to see anything closely. This realization inspires Jeno to be bold and reach for Renjun’s hand. He holds it for 10 seconds, before the crowd dissipates and he has to let go. Renjun squeezes his hand once, Jeno feeling every inch of skin, committing it to memory as best as he can. 

Renjun’s hands are small and soft, a stark contrast to Jeno’s own, which are large and calloused. He walks home with a gentle smile on his face, thinking about the feeling of Renjun’s gentle hand in his own and the possibilities their future meeting may hold. 

-

Jeno gets to the meeting space, on the edge of the city and away from the screens, ten minutes early. He waits anxiously for Renjun, looking down at his watch every couple of minutes. Renjun shows up twenty past 2, and immediately grabs Jeno’s hand, dragging him into the nearby forest without saying a word. 

They reach a meadow in the middle of the forest when Renjun stops. He turns around towards Jeno and immediately pulls him into a kiss. To say the action surprised Jeno would be an understatement, but he went along with it, desperate to experience the raw feeling of desire. 

They stand there, in the middle of the meadow, kissing passionately with no worries. Jeno can’t explain how he is feeling, the emotion completely foreign to him, but he thinks it might be freedom. 

They pull away after awhile, looking at each other closely for the first time. Jeno suddenly feels self-conscious under Renjun’s curious eyes, feeling as though he is being seen by someone for the first time in his entire life. 

“Do you still like me? Now that you are seeing me up close,” Jeno asks in a self-deprecating fashion. Renjun laughs at Jeno’s sudden shyness, “Of course I do, silly. You’re even better looking up close. You have the best smile I’ve ever seen Jeno, I mean it.” 

Jeno blushes, looking down, suddenly unable to make eye contact with Renjun after his comments. “I was just worried… I mean… you’re so beautiful. Like the kind of beautiful that would make anyone feel inadequate in comparison,” he says quietly. Renjun just laughs and pulls him into another kiss. They kiss for a little while longer, before they take a break and make conversation for the first time ever. 

“When I first met you, I hated you,” Jeno admits. “I thought you were one of those Party loyalists that send everyone to the thought police. I was convinced you were coming for me and were going to get me vaporized. The thought of you made me sick to my stomach.”

Renjun laughs at Jeno, not offended at all by his words. “Good,” he says. “That means I am doing a good job at hiding my true thoughts. Everything I do is for appearances. I scream loudly on hate days and then I go to the black market. I go to meetings for the Adolescents Against Sex League and then I take pretty boys like you to the forest and kiss them until I can’t feel my lips,” he finishes. 

Jeno understands the implication. He certainly isn’t the first boy Renjun has brought to the forest, but the thought doesn’t upset him. Not in the slightest. It proves that Renjun is real. He too feels what Jeno feels, the incessant urge to let himself desire. 

Jeno grabs Renjun by the neck and pulls him in for another kiss. This isn’t a kiss to sustain a natural bodily function, like his fiance had thought. It isn’t in the name of Big Brother like the Party preaches. It isn’t even to satiate the desire that overwhelms them. This was a political statement. Their kiss was an act of rebellion. 

-

After their first meeting in the forest, they can’t stay away from each other. They meet in the square every night, but they never touch. Sometimes there aren’t enough people around, so they can’t even break away to talk. But seeing each other is enough. Seeing Renjun is a reminder of the emotions that the Party has been trying to repress. It reminds him that he is a conscious being with real thoughts and emotions that belong solely to him. 

They meet up in the meadow whenever they can, but it isn’t often. They divide their time between talking and kissing. Sometimes they even fell asleep in the grass, Jeno waking up to see the setting sun highlighting the cheekbones of Renjun’s sleeping face next to him. Jeno basks in his beauty, before coming to the heartbreaking realization that he will never be able wake up this face everyday like he wishes. 

They learn a lot about each other during their meetings, their talks spanning from their pasts, the Party, past relationships, and general thoughts and feelings. Jeno didn’t know if he would ever be able to share his thoughts with another individual, and speaking with Renjun is liberating, especially because he seems to get Jeno so well. Being heard is one thing, but being understood is another. Renjun makes Jeno realize how lonely he has felt without the companionship that humans innately need. The companionship the Party deprives them of. 

“The first boy I ever brought out here was named Lucas,” Renjun begins one sunny afternoon in the meadow. “He was a member of the inner party. We met a couple of times, but he eventually got vaporized. He was too eager, full of energy. YangYang was the same. He was the other boy I met with. They were full of energy to the point of hysteria. But I have a theory. I think that is exactly the point,” Renjun explains. 

Jeno nods for Renjun to continue, captivated by every word that comes out of his mouth. “The Party keeps us all on the brink of hysteria, and vaporized the ones that can’t submit. Then, they direct the rest of us to take that energy and devote it to love for the Party. That’s why they deprive us of sex most of the time. They don’t want us to feel that release,” he finishes quietly. 

“What do you think… about the Party’s stance on… on love?” Jeno asks shyly, unsure of how to broach the topic for fear of coming off too forward. Renjun, however, takes the question in stride answering truthfully and openly. 

“Jeno,” Renjun begins. “Children are taught from the day they are born to rat out anyone who disobeys Big Brother. That includes their parents. At this point, as generations go on, there will eventually be only emotionless beings who are incapable of love. That’s why what we feel for each other is so important. We might be love’s last stand,” he explains. 

Jeno has been shocked by Renjun on a continuous basis since he met him, and even today he can’t help but feel surprised. Renjun, who is so physically pretty, also has such a beautiful mind. The way he lets himself think freely is so admirable, Jeno can’t help but mimic it, letting himself experience critical thinking for the first time in his life. 

Jeno grabs Renjun’s hand giving it a tight squeeze. “Did you say that to Lucas and YangYang too? Gonna ditch me soon and say it to your next boy?” he asks jokingly, albeit a little insecure. 

Renjun just laughs, head thrown back, showing Jeno the pale expansiveness of his neck. “Jeno, don’t be silly. They were nice, but they only wanted me because they were hysterical. They still felt completely loyal to Big Brother. You, however, are the type of person I’ve been waiting for. Someone who craves the freedom I crave,” he explains. 

“I understand. I have a fiance but I never have felt anything for her. In fact, I hated her. She is such a mindless zombie that it disgusts me. I haven’t seen her in a year, I’m not sure what happened. But I don’t care. You, however, make me feel so many things Renjun. We are birds from the same feather,” Jeno confesses gently. 

Renjun smiles softly, guiding Jeno to lay down, before resting his head on Jeno’s chest. They stay like that for the rest of the afternoon. Jeno wonders how the Party would feel, if they realized that instead of the hysteria they’ve tried to create inside of him, he feels nothing but contentedness. 

-

Jeno and Renjun are having one of their weekly meetings in the square, unable to talk due to the smaller number of people surrounding them. They walk around Empathy Square side by side, occasionally touching, when Jeno feels the air go still for one solid second. Jeno knows what that means. A bomb is coming.

There is enough chaos around the square from the panicking civilians that it gives Jeno the cover to completely protect Renjun, pushing him to the ground and getting on top of him to prevent major harm to him. 

The bomb drops on the edge of the square, far enough away from them to not impact them directly, but there is smoke everywhere. So much smoke that the only thing he can make out is Renjun’s face beneath his own. He knows no one will be able to see them, so he leans down and captures Renjun’s lips in his own. 

He kisses him as to say, _You are so important to me. I am glad you are okay. I will protect you from harm. And oh yeah, fuck Big Brother._

-

Renjun and Jeno plan to meet at the meadow again but it never happens. It’s getting cold, so Jeno doesn’t know if they will ever make it back to their special spot. When Renjun told Jeno that he had to cancel their usual meeting, Jeno was confused. He felt his thoughts spiral, delivering the worst case scenario to the front of his mind. This must be the drawback of consciousness, he thinks. You have to feel the bad stuff as well. 

Renjun told Jeno that he was wouldn’t replace him with some new boy, but Jeno’s insecurities are telling him otherwise. They are telling him that Renjun is going to forget about him and find someone else, that he never liked Jeno in the first place. It is then, that Jeno realizes just how much Renjun means to him. How the thought of his feelings not being reciprocated make him almost wish to go back to his previous state of unconsciousness just so he could be numb to the hurt. 

When he meets Renjun is the square again, they aren’t able to talk much at first. Renjun must sense his worry though, because he reaches down and squeezes Jeno’s hand. The gesture it simple, but it tells Jeno everything he needs to know: _I care you and I am here._

They sneak into an alley and Jeno gives Renjun a map of his own, reminding them of their very first meeting. He thinks he has finally found the perfect place for them to be alone together without fear of the screens catching them.

-

Jeno arrives first, entering the shop and greeting Haechan and Mark. They agreed to let Jeno use the private room, with the guitar, fancy objects, and small bed. Jeno knows he is safe there, he trusts Haechan and Mark, despite not knowing them very well. They are proles afterall, they have no allegiance to the Party and no incentive to rat them out. 

“Thank you for letting us use this room. It means a lot to me. Party members don’t have the freedom the proles have, so getting an opportunity like this is really meaningful. If there is anything I can do to repay you, just let me know,” Jeno says earnestly to the couple. 

“Oh Jeno, don’t worry about it,” Mark reassures him. “Privacy is right that everyone should have. The Party might not provide that for you, but you’ll always have a safe space is here. We are just proles, we can’t do much. We don’t have any political power or money to give you. But we do have this, and we’ll help you in the ways that we can.”

Jeno waits until Renjun arrives, and introduces him to the couple. The four of them talk for awhile, and Jeno revels in the thought that this is the friendship he has been deprived of all of his life. He wishes things were different. That they lived in a different society. One where Mark and Haechan weren’t in poverty, and him and Renjun weren’t mentally enslaved. But this sort of wishful thinking can become painful, so he quickly pushes it away. 

After a few minutes of talking, Jeno drags Renjun into the private room, unable to wait any longer. As soon as they are in the room, he pulls him into a deep, passionate kiss. They haven’t been able to be together like this in weeks and Jeno doesn’t want to miss out on a second of Renjun’s company. 

When they pull away, Renjun reaches into his bags and pulls out a ton of goods, chocolate, tea, oranges, and bread. Jeno knows that Renjun frequents the black market often, but he has never seen firsthand the type of objects he has acquired. 

Jeno takes a bite into the chocolate and practically moans at the taste. The chocolate ration has been reduced to zero, and he hasn’t experienced the taste in months. He eats the chocolate, along with the bread as he watches Renjun fiddle with some hot water. After awhile he realizes that Renjun must be making tea, a taste he has never had the luxury of trying. 

Renjun pours the hot water into two vintage mugs he found in the room, before adding the tea bags and passing one to Jeno. “This is jasmine tea,” Renjun explains. “It’s my favorite. I would drink it every day if I could,” he says softly. Jeno tries it, and while it isn’t his favorite taste, he does enjoy it. He knows he would give up all of the other food sitting in front of him if it meant he could keep this tea for Renjun. 

The two drink their tea quietly before Renjun makes Jeno turn around, claiming he has another surprise for him. Jeno doesn’t know what to expect when he hears Renjun rustling around, but when he turns around on Renjun’s request, he is once again shocked at the actions of the other. 

Renjun has put on makeup, another banned activity. He has on shimmery gold eyeshadow, emphasizing the depth and warmth in his honey eyes. His cheeks are dusted pink, and there is a slight tint to his lip. He looks absolutely stunning. 

People in the Party are not allowed to wear makeup. Anything aesthetically pleasing is banned because the Party is afraid people will worship anything with inherently beautiful. The only thing they are allowed to worship is Big Brother. But in this moment, all Jeno wants to do is drop to his knees and make Renjun his God. He wants to worship him, be blessed by him, devote himself to him. He doesn’t believe in anything quite like he believes in Renjun. 

He drags Renjun to the bed and they spend the entire day kissing, only separating when they absolutely cannot avoid curfew any longer. They get ready, cleaning up the room and arranging it back to normal for Mark and Haechan. They are about to leave when Jeno spots it. A rat. 

He screams, jumping on the bed, terrified of what he sees. There is nothing that scares Jeno more than mice. He knows it may be irrational, but he supposed everyone has their kryptonite, the one thing that destroys all sense of sanity. 

Renjun laughs at Jeno’s obvious fear, and walks over to the bed. “Don’t worry I will protect you,” he says before gesturing Jeno to get on his back. He then proceeds to carry Jeno out of the room, Jeno’s face buried into the side of Renjun’s head to avoid potentially seeing the rat again. 

When they finally make it to the main room, Renjun puts him down, and they part ways. When Jeno gets home, the screen is facing away again, allowing him to open the drawer that has been closed for weeks. 

His hands ghost over the claddagh room, remembering how Mark told him it could help him remember the virtues of love, loyalty and friendship. Jeno doesn’t know if he needs the ring to remind him of these things anymore. He then pulls out his journal and begins to write for the first time in ages, his hand shaky from lack of practice. 

_Today I experienced another form of freedom. Freedom is security, feeling safe despite present dangers around you. Freedom is knowing something or someone will always protect you. They teach us that love is hate but it isn’t; love is freedom._

-

When Jeno goes to work the next day he is met with a terrible sight. He goes to the lunchroom and waits for Jaemin, but he never comes. Jaemin is gone the whole week, and Jeno thinks the day has finally come. His best friend has been vaporized. 

On the fifth day, Jeno decides to check for himself. He needs to know for sure, needs to know if he will ever see his best friend again. He walks up to a bulletin board just outside the cafeteria that contains lists of various clubs offered to outer party members. He checks the list for the dance club, a club he knows Jaemin is a member of, but his name isn’t there. 

Jeno feels the pit in his stomach grow, threatening to swallow him whole. He goes back to his desk and checks again, hoping it was just some type of error. He types into his computer Na Jaemin, and is met with zero search results. That is when he knows for sure. 

He walks home at the end of the day, later than usual because his office is preparing for Hate Week, and lets himself grieve. What makes him the maddest is knowing that he is the only one who will miss Jaemin. He is the only one conscious enough to have the ability to do so. 

After losing Jaemin, Jeno is craving his meeting with Renjun more than usual. He needs to be held, needs the comfort of Renjun’s soothing voice. Renjun notices something is wrong almost immediately, and takes Jeno into his arms, letting him cry. He rubs comforting circles on his back and sings softly, 

_Wherever I am, even if I'm dreaming_  
_To me, it's only you_  
_I'll swear upon the rest of my life_  
_There won't be another you, you're my last_

Jeno shoots up immediately, looking at Renjun intently. “You know that song too?” he asks gently. It’s the same song Haechan and Mark sang when he visited them the second time. 

Renjun nods, “I heard it in bar near the black market. I rushed to memorize it, it’s the only song I know that isn’t Party affiliated. It’s pretty isn’t it?” he asks. Jeno nods his head, and rests his head on Renjun’s shoulder, letting his gentle voice lull him to sleep. 

-

When Jeno wakes up he decides to have a serious talk with Renjun. He doesn’t want to do it, but after what happened with Jaemin he feels as though it is necessary. 

“Renjun, we can stop this now. Or at any point. Because we will be hiding for the rest of our lives. The only options for us are stopping on our own accord and death. And I really, really, can’t handle the thought of you being vaporized,” Jeno confesses. 

Renjun looks at him seriously for a second, before looking away, eyes filling with tears. “Jeno, you have to know I could never do that to you. I could never leave. I don’t have a life outside of these meetings together. You are the only thing that separates me living like all of the other Party members,” he says, tears rolling down his cheeks. 

Jeno pulls Renjun into a tight hug, the two knowing they are doomed. Their relationship is star-crossed, they will die long before they will ever be able to be together freely. 

They spend the rest of the night talking about their future. What it will be like if they are caught. How they will be tortured, possibly killed. Renjun promises that no matter what happens, they will never be able to take the feelings he has for Jeno away from him. Jeno admits that he daydreams about being married to Renjun, though he knows it will never happen. Renjun doesn’t let himself have these thoughts. It hurts too much knowing it will never happen. 

They even talk about committing suicide together, feeling as though dying together is better than living apart. They don’t entertain the thought for long though, because it’s too much. They both still have a tiny bit of hope left. They fall asleep wrapped in each other’s arms, gripping tighter than usual. 

-

When Jeno wakes up, Renjun is shaking him, and he is sobbing. Sobbing because he was having a terrible, terrible dream. A dream about his family. He decides to tell Renjun everything, even though it’s painful. Even though it riddles him with guilt. 

“I never knew what happened to my father. I was too young when he disappeared to know what happened to him. It was just me, my mom, and my sister. We were living as proles. And we were so poor, Renjun. I was starving. We were all starving.The kind of starvation that ends up killing people,” he begins, tears streaming down his face. 

“And I was so selfish. Anytime we got food I thought I deserved it more than them. I would do anything to get all of the food. One day we got a chocolate ration, and it came in six pieces. My mom gave me two pieces, my sister two pieces, and kept two for herself. But I was so angry. In my head, I deserved it all. And I threw a big fit, crying and screaming that the chocolate was mine,” he continues. 

Renjun is looking at him seriously, but without judgement. 

“My mom eventually gave me her ration, but it wasn’t enough for me. I was greedy. I stole my sister’s chocolate too and ran away. When I came back, it wasn’t even to apologize, it was to try to get more food. But when I got there, they were gone. I don’t know if they were dead, or taken by the Party or what. But their last memory of me was how selfish I was,” he finishes before bursting into tears again. 

Renjun pulls him close, shushing him gently. “Jeno you were a child and you were physically starving to death. You didn’t have the capacity to think rationally. Don’t be mad at yourself, be mad at the Party for doing this to you in the first place,” he whispers gently. 

“That’s why I joined the Party. I think I knew they would try to take everything away from me. And I wanted them to. I wanted to do everything I could to forget, but I couldn’t. It still haunts me,” Jeno admits. 

Renjun didn’t ask to join the Party, he was born into it. Still, he understands the pain of loss, and how deeply it affects people. How nice it is to be able to turn that part of the brain off entirely, to not have to feel. 

“There’s this guy, Doyoung. I know him vaguely, and I think he is one of us. But I think he knows something we don’t. I think if the Brotherhood is real, he is apart of it. I want to talk to him, confirm it for myself,” Jeno says, waiting for a reaction. He is expecting Renjun to shoot him down, tell him how dangerous it will be for him. 

Instead Renjun encourages him. “I think you should go for it. You can tell a lot about a person from a single look. I did that with you, and ended up being right. I heard a saying once, in a shop on the black market. You need to risk it to be the biscuit. I think it means that risks give us rewards,” he says. 

“What’s a biscuit?” Jeno asks confused. 

“I don’t know,” Renjun admits, and the two fall into a fit of laughter, before meeting each other for a kiss. They spend the rest of their meeting like this, connected at the lips, relishing in the feeling of freedom they feel when they are with each other. 

-

Jeno leaves for the day, feeling better than he has in a long time. His back no longer hurts, and he doesn’t wake up to cough in the morning like he used to. Despite his own triumph, the rest of the world is looking rather bleak. 

He has to be careful when he walks outside, because more bombs are dropping than usual. Renjun thinks Big Brother is dropping them, trying to keep everyone in line. Jeno thinks that theory is not at all improbable. 

He walks into his office building, when he is stopped by someone. Doyoung. 

“Hey Jeno. I was reading your latest article in the _Times_ , and I can’t help but notice you used two words that have become obsolete. I have the latest version on the NewSpeak dictionary. I think you should come over sometime and pick it up to help you with your work. Here is my address, I am free on Sunday afternoon,” he says. He slips him a piece of paper with what Jeno assumes is his address written on it, and disappears almost as quickly as he came. 

This was it. The moment Jeno had been waiting for. This is his in, his pathway to the Brotherhood, to everything Nakamoto Yuta had supposedly built. 

Jeno knows that this move will put him closer to the grave than he has ever been, but he can’t bring himself to care. He was always had a casket open and waiting for him, anyway. 

-

When Jeno and Renjun meet up, he tells him all about his meeting with Doyoung. Renjun agrees to come immediately, excitement buzzing through both of their bodies. 

“When I was living as a prole, I was starving,” Jeno says, “But I can’t help but feel jealous of them. They have no allegiance to the Party, no allegiance to Big Brother. Look at Haechan and Mark. They are only loyal to each other. I think that’s beautiful. But if I have to pick a side, I’m glad we are choosing the Brotherhood,” he finishes. 

“Are you scared?” Renjun asks gently. “This could end very badly, you know.”

Jeno thinks it over for a second. “There were three party members who rebelled and were executed. I don’t know if you remember them, their names were Jaehyun, WinWin, and Ten. They weren’t able to outsmart Big Brother. I don’t want to be like them. I want a happier ending for us,” Jeno confesses.

“We’ll outsmart Big Brother. The screens can detect every movement we make in our own homes, and our workplaces, even out in public. They can hear our voices too. But they will never know our thoughts and feelings. Those will always be ours, and as long as we can keep that, we will outsmart the Party every time,” Renjun says. 

Later that night they part, knowing that the next time they meet their lives will be changing dramatically. 

-

Renjun and Jeno meet outside of Doyoung’s apartment, and take the elevator up together. When they reach his flat, they are met with a butler, who ushers them into the entryway, taking their jackets from them. 

Sitting in a chair in front of a fireplace is Doyoung, reading a book. “Ah Jeno, here to pick up the dictionary I see,” he says, looking at Renjun quizzically. Renjun introduces himself, but Doyoung’s wariness doesn’t waver, leading Jeno to think he has made a grave judgement error. 

That is, until Doyoung gets up, walks across the room, and turns his screen in his apartment off. Jeno and Renjun’s jaws drop collectively, shocked at the action by the Inner Party member. 

“This is a privilege exclusive to members of the Inner Party. We can turn our screens off, but only for 30 minutes or so. Any longer would seem abnormal,” Doyoung says. “Now tell me what really brings you guys here, I’m sure it isn’t to pick up this silly dictionary.”

Jeno looks at Renjun, who nods, encouraging him. “We are here because we are betrayers of the Party. We want to destroy the Party. We have no loyalty to Big Brother and want to join the Brotherhood if it exists,” Jeno confesses, looking at Doyoung for any kind of reaction. 

When he looks up, he sees that Doyoung’s butler is standing there, looking at them in shock. Before Jeno can panic, Doyoung starts speaking. “Don’t worry. He is one of us. This is Taeyong,” Doyoung says motioning him over. 

Taeyong sits next to Doyoung, arm wrapping around him as he sits down. It dawns at Jeno that the two are just like him and Renjun. Taeyong being a butler is all an act, a way for them to skirt the rules and be together. He tries not to be too jealous that they found a long-term solution. 

“You’re lucky because the Brotherhood is real. Nakamoto Yuta is alive. I don’t know where he is, but he runs the organization from somewhere far away, where the Party can’t watch over him. The whole thing is very informal though, even I don’t know who all of the members are. This is so it can never fully be broken up,” Doyoung explains. 

Renjun and Jeno nod along, and listen as Doyoung gives them more details. He tells them that Yuta wrote a manifesto, and he’ll slip a couple into Jeno’s briefcase at work for the two of them to read and memorize. 

“I need to figure out how serious you guys are. Are you willing to do anything you can to undermine the Party?” _Nods._

“Will you commit crimes for the Brotherhood?” _Nods._

“Will you commit suicide if asked?” _Nods._

“Will you leave each other if you have to?” ….

Renjun and Jeno look at each other for a moment, before Renjun speaks. “No. I will no anything. But not that. I would never do that,” he confesses. Jeno quickly agrees, grabbing hold of Renjun’s hand and giving it a squeeze. 

Doyoung nods understandingly. “That’s okay. Thank you for being honest. We all have our limits, even if we don’t want to admit it to ourselves,” he says, looking at Taeyong for a brief moment. 

“Anyways,” he begins, breaking his own moment, “Once you get the manifesto, read it and wait for more instructions. You guys should probably leave, I need to turn the screen back on soon. Renjun, you go first, and Jeno you can follow ten minutes after. 

They agree, and Renjun says his goodbyes before Taeyong shows him out the door. Doyoung and Jeno talk for a couple of minutes, working out logistics. 

“All communication from here on out will be through Taeyong. It worries me to put him in the middle of all of this, but I am trusting you. Do you have any questions before you go?” Doyoung asks. 

“What made you decide to join the Brotherhood. I am imagine life as an Inner Party member has it’s luxuries…” Jeno trails off. 

Taeyong enters the room, and locks eyes with Doyoung. Doyoung swallows, throat thick with emotion and answers, “I do it for him.” Jeno immediately understands. 

They say their goodbyes, and Jeno sees himself out. Before reaching the door, he turns around, and sees Doyoung and Taeyong embracing for a quick moment, before separating. Doyoung turns the screen back on as Jeno leaves, all of them carrying on, business as usual. 

-

When Jeno and Renjun meet again, the manifesto in tow, they immediately collapse into Mark and Haechan’s extra bed, falling asleep without reading a single word. They both have been working a lot because it is Hate Week and the Party expects a lot from them. Jeno has worked 90 hours in the past 5 days, and he can’t bring himself to stay up for another second. 

They only manage a couple hours of sleep before they are woken up by the rioting crowd outside. People get really rowdy during Hate Week, their anger reaching hysterical levels, forcing them to lash out. 

It is then that they open the manifesto. Renjun lays on his back, while Jeno reads aloud to him. Each part is fairly long, and is dedicated to Yuta debunking the slogans of the Party and proving them to be false. 

_Part 1: Freedom is Slavery._

_The Party teaches us that freedom is slavery so that we don’t seek it. When in reality, nothing is a bigger limit to our independence than the reality they have us living under. Having rights means we wouldn’t be under their control. They need us to be under control so that Big Brother can stay in power. He uses that power to rob from all of us, while the Inner Party lives a life of luxury. We never question it because we are meant to think that anything different would leave us worse off…_

_Part 2: Ignorance is Strength_

_We are not allowed to be conscious beings who have thoughts and emotions. If we have the ability to think and feel, surely everyone would realize how horrible life is under Big Brother. But without this capability, we are not even human. The Party wants to eliminate us as humans because humans are tenacious. We fight for what we want…_

_Part 3: Love is Hate_

_We are taught not to love each other. Love equals loyalty to someone who is not Big Brother and that is not allowed. We are taught to ruin the lives of those close to us if we suspect they have actual thoughts and feelings. When it happens, most of us don’t even have the capacity to feel anything. But love is the the most beautiful force of nature. It is not worth fighting against Big Brother if we are not fighting for love. Love is the very thing that makes us human…_

They read the entire manifesto, front to back, determined to read it over and over again until the words are stuck in their brains and they can recite it all from memory. 

“Jeno,” Renjun begins, looking slightly nervous, “I have to tell you something.” Jeno nods slightly, urging him to continue. 

“I’ve known this for awhile, but reading the manifesto confirmed it for me. Hearing about how important love is to humanity made me realize how important it is to me specifically. I guess what I am trying to say… what I need to say so that you understand… is that I love you,” he says, voice breaking with vulnerability. 

Jeno opens his mouth to reply, desperate to tell Renjun that his feelings are reciprocated, when a rock is thrown threw the window, shattering it instantly. The door to Haechan and Mark’s room is busted down, and people are swarming in from both entrances. Renjun and Jeno look up in shock before their eyes zero in on the badges the men are wearing. _Thought Police._

Mark and Haechan bust into the room after them, looking shocked and desperate. “Renjun, Jeno, I’m so sorry. We tried to stop them, but they just stormed in anyway,” Haechan begins, walking forward. He makes it two steps before a member of the thought police turns and punches him square across the face. 

Luckily, Mark is there to catch him, and he drags him into the corner, cowering away from the thought police. The two watch in horror as the thought police destroy the entire room, filled with their treasures and only source of income. When the guitar hanging on the wall is destroyed, they have to look away. 

Once the thought police are done ravaging through everything, one of the guards grabs Renjun, and carries him out the door, away from sight. Half of the guards in the room follow. 

“Wait! Renjun! Renjun, I love you. I love you too. I’m so sorry, I love you. I love you so much!” Jeno screams in horror. He doesn’t know if he is heard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry to end it on a cliffhanger!!! i originally said that i would post the final chapter a week after this one was posted, but i am so busy with school work, that i don't have time to edit it to the level that i would like. sorry for the delay, the final part will be posted within 10 days of chapter two being completed. sorry for any disappointment this has caused, but sometimes life gets in the way! i promise with this extra time i will try to deliver the best possible chapter i can. 
> 
> i would love to hear you thoughts/criticisms/feelings! 
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/lefargenjeno)
> 
> [my cc](https://curiouscat.me/lefargen)


	3. ignorance is strength

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This room is different for everyone, Jeno,” Doyoung explains. “It displays everyone’s greatest fears. That is how we break you down, that is how we gain our power over you.”
> 
> Jeno gulps nervously. “What would you face in this room?” he asks, looking for a distraction.
> 
> “I would see lightning. It’s a reminder that sometimes light is just as scary as darkness. That’s a lesson you need to learn, Jeno. Sometimes the truth is scarier than any falsehood you are being told. Ignorance is strength, afterall."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! 
> 
> first i just want to say WARNING!!!! this chapter contains moments of torture (yes including THAT scene for anyone who has read 1984) but i promise it isn't graphic, gory, or bloody. if this triggers you please practice self care and do what you need to do uwu
> 
> also sorry if parts of this seem dialogue heavy but i felt like it was essential to the plot
> 
> lastly, i would like to apologize for getting this up later than i intended. i was really busy with schoolwork, and this fic means a lot to me so i wanted to do it justice and give it the time and attention it needed. i hope it will be worth the wait

Time passes slowly for Jeno. The thought police take him to a holding facility, where both party criminals and prole criminals are brought after commiting a crime. The difference is that the proles get sent to a normal jail and party criminals… well Jeno is about to find out. 

He stays in there for a day, in a crowded jail cell, people coming and going. The most surreal moment is when a middle-aged woman comes in, drunk and yelling. The state of her clothes tell Jeno that she is living in poverty, one of the proles. 

“You’re a handsome young boy,” she says laughing wickedly. “What’s your name?” 

“My name is Lee Jeno,” he answers, avoiding her gaze. At this point, he is open to any conversation that will distract him from turmoil that is threatening the overwhelm him.

She smiles slyly at him, head tilting as she looks at him, taking his entire appearance in. “Hmm.. we have the same surname. You could be my son,” she says, before laughing again. 

Jeno looks at her, looking for any bit of familiarity in her face, but the truth is, he isn’t sure he remembers what his mother looks like. She looks the right age to be her, and they do have several similar features. Jeno knows that this lady could be his mom, and he really hopes it isn’t. He really hopes his mother had any other outcome, anything would be better than this. 

Jeno turns away from her, effectively ending the conversation. He will never know if this lady is actually his mom, and he doesn’t want to waste the emotional capital stewing over this woman. Not when Renjun is out there somewhere, at full mercy of the Party. Not when Jeno doesn’t know if he will ever see again. Not when Jeno doesn’t know if Renjun knows just how much Jeno loves him. 

He is pulled from the crowded jail cell after a while, and taken to the Ministry of Truth, where he is kept in a small room, screens covering every service. He is forced to sit facing forward, with his hands on his knees, unmoving. Any slight change in posture will have the screens yelling at him until he gets back into position. 

Jeno doesn’t know how long he stays there alone, completely unmoving but its long enough that his back starts to hurt. In a way, he is thankful for the silence, because it allows him to focus solely on Renjun. Renjun’s smile. Renjun’s hands. Renjun’s body curled onto his. These memories are the only thing that is getting through this moment, the only things keeping him from going completely insane. 

Some time later, they bring someone else into the room. The person sits across from Jeno, in the exact same position he is in. They don't speak a word to each other. Eventually someone comes in and takes the other away, replacing him with another. This happens over and over again for sometime, but no one ever comes for Jeno. 

Everytime the guards come to take his cellmate away from him, the same thing happens. The person will yell, scream, cry, beg not to be taken. Beg to not have to face it. Beg to not have to go into Room 127. 

Eventually, a familiar, but unexpected face shows up; Jisung. Jeno immediately feels horrible knowing that Jisung is in here with him, that he too was a thought criminal. Jisung is so earnest and kind, it’s no wonder he got vaporized. The party doesn’t like those characteristics. 

The two nod, acknowledging each other, but immediately get told off. Jeno opens his mouth to greet Jisung instead, and is met without any reprimanding. They continue talking, sharing their experiences since arrest. 

“I didn’t change one of the poems they gave me. It was about God, and they wanted me to change it. How can I remove the word God from a poem about God? I didn’t know how. They came to my desk 10 minutes after I submitted it and arrested me,” Jisung says, tears streaming from his face. 

Jeno feels his anger intensify. Jisung is so innocent, someone who was just trying to do his job as a poet. He wasn’t even a party defier like Jeno was, but he was facing the same consequences. The Party will destroy any threat, no matter how big or small, and the thought makes Jeno sick to his stomach. 

When the guards come to take Jisung away to room 127, he screams and cries, and Jeno can’t help but flinch. More people come and go and it’s the same routine. 

Then, the last person Jeno ever expected to end up in the cell with him is brought into the room. Johnny. They spark up conversation immediately, but like always, Johnny dominates most of their conversation. 

“My daughter reported me to the thought police. She said that she could tell that I was dreaming of being a party defier. I couldn’t believe it, but the Party would never arrest an innocent man. I would never consciously defy Big Brother, but I am willing to take any responsibility for what my subconscious was doing,” Johnny explains to Jeno. 

Jeno nods along, barely listening. He is used to Johnny’s staunch loyalty to the Party, his rants bringing a feeling of familiarity to the cell. He thinks of Kun, who is at home dealing with their twin terrors all alone. He wonders how long it will be before he gets thrown in a cell as well. 

“Do you know what I am going to say to them when they interrogate me?” Johnny asks. “I am going to thank them. Thank them for catching me before I could do anything drastic. I will take whatever punishment they give me, and prove that I can be rehabilitated,” he finishes. 

Their conversation ends as a guard comes, dragging Johnny away. He is replaced by a man who is clearly starving. He is so frail, so sickly that Jeno is afraid he is going to die in this cell with him. Jeno stares at him for awhile, before the sight gets to be too much and he has to look away. 

Every few minutes, the man moans out loud, the pain getting to be too much for him. That inspires Jeno’s next action. He turns to his right, and grabs the piece of bread that was rationed to him. The screens start yelling immediately. 

_“Lee Jeno put down that bread immediately.”_

_“Lee Jeno do not give him that bread.”_

_“Kim Jungwoo do not accept that bread.”_

Jeno grows bold, getting up with every intention of giving this man, Jungwoo, some bread. He makes it one step before the doors burst open and Jeno gets tackled by guards. He is beaten for a couple minutes before they place him back in his original position, back straight, hands on his knees. They take away his food to prevent future incidents and leave again. 

Jungwoo and Jeno sit across from each other, staring and taking each other in. When a guard enters this time, Jeno is sure that he is going to be taken this time, just by the look on the guard’s face. However, it is Jungwoo who they pull, and his screams are the most heartbreaking he has heard yet. 

“Please. Please, don’t take me. You’re already starving me, just please don’t take me to Room 127. Kill me instead. Please just kill me. I would rather you bring in my entire family and slit their throats in front of me than be brought back here. Please,” Jungwoo yells, voice rawer than any voice Jeno has ever heard. 

The guards take him anyway. 

More people come and go, and Jeno wonders if he will ever leave the room. When the door opens again after someone was taken away, Jeno locks eyes with a similar face. Doyoung. 

“They got you too, huh?” Jeno asks, not shocked that Doyoung has been brought to this place. It seems half the people he knows have been vaporized. 

“Oh Jeno. They didn’t get me. We got you,” Doyoung answers calmly. 

That’s when it hits Jeno. Doyoung had set him up. It was all fake, Doyoung deliberately lied to them to trap them and bring them here. His heart aches for being so naive. When he thinks about how he invited Renjun to the meeting, he feels sick to his stomach. Digging his own grave is absolutely fine by him, but knowing that Renjun is suffering the same fate makes him physically repulsed by his own actions. 

Jeno starts thrashing, yelling and screaming. He is so angry. So angry at Doyoung that he could kill him. So angry at himself that he wants to ram his head into the concrete wall in front of him. He yells and yells while Doyoung stands there, face completely neutral. 

Guards rush in and beat Jeno, fists driving into him again and again until he is on the verge of unconsciousness. He takes one last look at Doyoung’s face, staring completely unfazed, before everything goes black. 

-

Just like that the torture begins. It starts with beatings. They beat him until Jeno is on the brink of consciousness. He expects himself to become numb to the pain, but each hit feels like a devastating blow. He holds out as long as he can, but eventually he starts confessing. 

Jeno confesses to every crime he can think of. He confesses to crimes there is no way he could ever have committed. Doyoung knows half of things that are coming out of his mouth are lies, but treats them as the word of god, each confession drawing a bone-shattering consequence. 

Jeno is eventually taken to another room for a more detailed interrogation, his body hooked up to a machine, Doyoung controlling a remote that goes up to ten. Doyoung switches the remote from zero to one and Jeno is shocked, electricity running through his veins. He understands immediately how this is going to go. 

“Jeno,” Doyoung begins, “I am afraid you are suffering from delusionals. You say you remember things that are not true. I know the truth. Because the Party controls all memories. The Party controls all of the past.”

Jeno shakes his head immediately. “You can claim that, but it’s not true. I still have my memories, and even if you find a way to take them away from me it will still be the truth.”

“There is no truth, Jeno,” Doyoung responds. “Do you remember writing in your journal that _'Freedom is having the ability to write that 2+2=4 and knowing that that is the truth. Freedom is knowing that 2+2 will always equal 4, no matter what the Party says’?”_

Jeno nods, unsure of where this conversations is going. 

“Well Jeno, I am here to tell you that 2+2 is actual 5. I can’t care what you’ve learned before. The Party now says 2+2=5. Do you understand, Jeno?” Doyoung questions. 

Jeno shakes his head vehemently, trying not to give in. He needs to keep this. He needs to keep this truth for himself, he won’t let the Party take it away from him. 

“Jeno, what is 2+2?” Doyoung asks. 

“4,” Jeno replies defiantly. 

Doyoung looks unfazed, turning the remote up to 4. A powerful surge streams through him, giving him more pain than he has possibly ever felt in his life. And yet, he has not gave in. 

“I’m going to ask you again, Jeno. What is 2+2?,” Doyoung asks calmly. 

“4,” Jeno answers through gritted teeth. It hurts. It hurts so fucking bad. But he can’t give in. He won’t give in. Doyoung turns the remote up to six, and the pain is so intense Jeno’s vision goes black and his entire body twitches uncontrollably afterwards from the shock of it all. 

“Let’s try this again,” Doyoung begins, face still incredibly unfazed. “What is 2+2?”

Jeno hesitates. “F-five. No four it’s four,” he answers. He is breathing heavily, but he refuses to give in. Doyoung turns the remote up to eight. The pain is so shocking, so powerful that Jeno is surprised it didn’t kill him. He can’t imagine anything more painful than this. He doesn’t think anything is worth putting up with this pain. 

“2+2 Jeno, what is it?” Doyoung pushes again, desperate to get the right answer out of Jeno. 

Jeno stutters, his brain completely incapable of functioning correctly after the abuse he just suffered. “I-I don’t know. I don’t know, I really don’t know.”

Doyoung puts his hand back on the remote, indicating he is seconds away from turning it again. “I am going to ask you one last time Jeno. What is 2+2?”

“Five! It’s five! I swear it’s five, just please don’t turn that remote,” he begs before bursting into tears. 

Doyoung puts the remote down and walks over towards Jeno, sitting down next to him. “That was good, Jeno. Very good. I know you wanted to defy the Party, but there is no such thing as martyrdom here. We are trying to cure you here. Everyone gets a chance to be cured,” he says. 

“Not everyone. What about the public killings. What about the inner Party members. What about Ten, Winwin and Jaehyun? They weren’t given a chance to be cured,” Jeno counters. 

Doyoung sighs. Jeno is one of his more difficult cases. “They asked to be killed. They had been wiped down, like you are going to be, until they felt nothing but love for Big Brother. They wanted to die while their minds were still clean, before they could do anymore harm,” he answers. 

Jeno thinks this answer over, brows furrowed in thought. He doesn’t know if he should believe Doyoung. He remembers Ten, and the prayer he muttered under his breath before he died. Jeno doesn’t think someone who was that devoted to Big Brother would be able to worship any other God. 

Another thought crosses his mind. If Doyoung was here, where was Taeyong? Was that fake too? He can’t imagine someone like Doyoung being capable of love, capable of feeling anything except what he is brainwashed to believe. But their touches felt so intimate, so real. 

“Doyoung? What about Taeyong? Was that fake too? Because you are saying that love doesn’t exist unless it’s love for Big Brother, but I saw the way you looked at him,” Jeno asks. 

For the first time during their entire session, Doyoung’s face changes from the placid, barely interested look to something else. Something, raw, and real, and furious. He grabs ahold of the machine once more and shocks Jeno, this time at 8. It hurts, it hurts so bad, but Jeno persists anyway. 

“You love him. I know you love him, despite all of this. But you would never realize it because you are so brainwashed. You aren’t even capable of loving. Taeyong deserves better than you, you spineless, heartless, evil fraud,” Jeno says, mouth moving, unable to stop the stream of consciousness that he is voicing. 

Doyoung grips the machine until his knuckles turn white, and says through gritting teeth “Keep his name out of your damn mouth,” before turning the dial all the way up to ten. 

The pain is so intense that Jeno is sure is about to die. And he welcomes it. As everything fades out, he realizes that there isn’t much living for in this world anyway. 

-

Jeno starts complying a lot easier after that. He meets with Doyoung regularly, Doyoung claiming that he is working to reprogram Jeno’s brain, to fix him of his abnormalities. 

“Remember the third slogan of the Party, Jeno. Ignorance is strength. This is something you need to realize. We do reprogramming in three phases. The first phase is learning, the second is understanding, and third is accepting. You are in stage two,” Doyoung explains. “Right now, I will explain everything you’ve been wondering so you can understand.”

Jeno nods slowly, physically and mentally exhausted from everything he has been through. He doesn’t know how long he has spent in the Ministry of Truth, but he guesses it’s been weeks at least. The room they are in currently is nicer than the last one. Instead of the dark gray walls, and singular hard bench, he is met with brighter white walls, a chair with a cushion. 

“You wrote down in your journal that you understood the how but you didn’t understand the why. Why does the Party do the things it does? I would say that we do this for your own good, but that would be a lie. The Party is not interested in the good of others,” Doyoung admits. 

Jeno looks at him, confused by what he is trying to say. “Then what is the point? If you are not working for the good of the people, then what you are working for?” he asks. 

Doyoung looks bored, like he knew Jeno was going to ask and he can’t believe he has to answer it. “Many regimes have tried to do what we have done. They all failed. You can’t do what we have done by caring about people. We did it for power. Power is not a means to an end, it’s the end. The object of power is power in and of itself,” Doyoung says. 

“But you yourself don’t have power. You are disposable. You could be vaporized in a second, and they’d replace you,” Jeno replies. 

Doyoung nods, not offended at all by Jeno’s words. “I think you are starting to understand it. Power is collective. The only way to have ultimate power is for everyone to have power. And that can only happen is to have control over everyone. Not just their bodies, but their minds too,” Doyoung explains. 

“How do you gain control of their minds?” Jeno asks curiously, unsure of if Doyoung is making a legitimate point or not. 

“Power is exerted by making people suffer, just like you experienced Jeno. We take away everything that gives people pleasure. We take away sex, laughter, love,” Doyoung answers. 

Jeno ponders over what Doyoung is saying. It makes sense, to an extent but- “Well then what’s the point of life? How could anyone want to live. People would all just want to die, maybe even commit suicide,” he says. 

Doyoung shrugs at his response, clearly unbothered by the idea. “If someone lives to 30 rather than 80, it makes no difference. Death of the individual is not death because the Party is immortal. Big Brother is immortal.” 

Doyoung goes on to explain more to Jeno, the younger taking in every word he is saying. Things are kind of starting to make sense. Jeno is beginning to understand the why. He doesn’t like it, but at least he understands. 

“Now, are there any questions you would like to ask me? This may be your final chance at understanding,” Doyoung says, staring intently into Jeno’s eyes. Jeno takes full advantage of the opportunity, wanting to learn more and more and more. 

“Does the Brotherhood exist? Nakamoto Yuta, does he exist?” Jeno asks. 

Doyoung sighs, rubbing his temples. “I can’t answer that one, Jeno. But the manifesto you read was fake. I was the one who wrote it.”

“Does Big Brother exist?” Jeno chooses to ask next. Doyoung, for his part, looks shocked at the question, “Of course,” he replies. 

“I mean, does Big Brother exist in the way that you and I exist?” Jeno tries asking again, reframing the question. Doyoung’s reply sends chills down Jeno’s spine:

“You do not exist.” 

It is in this moment that Jeno knows that they are going to work and work until they break him. Jeno is starting to believe everything he is being told and the thought scares him. He knows they are going to completely rewire his brain until he is unconscious, just another mindless member of the Party. They will kill him long before he can ever reprogram himself back to normal. 

“Do you think the Party will ever be destroyed?” Jeno asks. Jeno used to have so much hope that eventually the Brotherhood would come in and defeat Big Brother. These days, he isn’t so sure that is possible. 

“Of course not. The Party controls all aspect of life. We control gravity. The Party invented the stars. Big Brother invented human bones. Everything is possible because of Big Brother. The Earth is only as old as Big Brother,” Doyoung answers effortlessly. 

Jeno hesitates before he asks his next question, unsure if he wants to know the answer. He is worried that he will learn something so painful that it will make him lose the last little bit of hope that he still has left. 

“What happened to Renjun?” he asks softly looking at the ground. He can’t meet Doyoung’s eyes, afraid they will give away news that Jeno isn’t strong enough to hear. 

Doyoung places a hand on his. “He was brought in here, just like you. And he gave you up immediately. It was a textbook conversion, really. I’m actually quite proud of it. He has already left the Ministry of Truth. When you get out of here you may be allowed to visit. But you guys will never be allowed to be in love again. But then again, by the time I’m done with you, you won’t even know what love is,” he explains. 

Jeno isn’t sure what to make of Doyoung’s words. He knows there is a strong chance that Doyoung is lying to him, but there is no way of knowing. The thought of Renjun not loving him anymore is painful, the thought of his own love being taken away from him hurts even more. 

“Jeno, I know you still love him. You called his name out in your sleep. Every time you are about to pass out, it’s always as you’re saying his name. It’s like a prayer. But don’t worry. We’ll take that away from you,” Doyoung explains. 

“Well I don’t care. I haven’t betrayed Renjun. I haven’t betrayed him because I haven’t stopped loving him. I’ve never stopped loving him, and I never will. You will never be able to take that away from me,” Jeno says defiantly. 

Doyoung nods once, unconvinced but leaves it at that. Jeno is sure that he is going to end up dead one of these days, based purely based off of how defiant he has been. 

“When are you going to vaporize me?” Jeno asks tentatively. 

“Sooner or later,” Doyoung replies. “The Party has some mercy.”

-

The punishment for his words comes mere hours later, but not in the form of death. Doyoung comes to the door of his room and informs him that he is taking him to Room 127. 

“What exactly is in Room 127?” Jeno asks, trying not to freak out despite knowing the horrible reputation that the room has. 

“You know, Jeno. Everyone knows,” Doyoung answers, and he leaves it at that. They walk the rest of the way in silence. 

They enter the room and it’s so dark that Jeno can’t see anything inside. He can hear noises in the distance, but he can’t make out what they are. He feels the fear grow within him, unsure of what is coming next. 

“This room is different for everyone, Jeno,” Doyoung explains. “It displays everyone’s greatest fears. That is how we break you down, that is how we gain our power over you.”

Jeno gulps nervously. “What would you face in this room?” he asks, looking for a distraction. 

“I would see lightning. It’s a reminder that sometimes light is just as scary as darkness. That’s a lesson you need to learn, Jeno. Sometimes the truth is scarier than any falsehood you are being told. Ignorance is strength, afterall,” he replies casually, voice getting farther away as he speaks. 

Jeno hears him walking away and then suddenly the lights are turned on. He sees Doyoung standing above him, in a box separated from him, watching over him. And surrounding him, are his absolute biggest fear. _Rats._

A whistle blows and suddenly the rats are swarming him. They are climbing up his body, and starting to nibble, starting to chew on his flesh. The rats are starting to eat him alive. 

Jeno screams. He yells for help. He professes his love for Big Brother. He promises his full allegiance to the Party under any and every circumstance. He cries and screams, but it doesn’t end. He feels his fear grow by the millisecond, and Jeno knows that what he is experiencing is a fate worse than death. It’s the worst thing in the entire world. 

Finally he cracks. “Don’t do it to me. Do it Renjun. I don’t care anymore, just do it Renjun. Hurt him instead of me,” he screams. A whistle blows and the rats are off him in seconds. 

He looks up and makes eye contact with Doyoung, and he looks satisfied. The Party has finally taken everything from him. 

-

Jeno doesn’t spend much longer at the Ministry of Truth after that. It seems as though his reprogramming is complete, and he gets to go home after god knows how long. 

When he enters his apartment, everything looks the same. He walks around, mindlessly taking in his surroundings. He checks his drawer, the one that held all of his treasures, but finds it empty. Until something shiny in the corner catches his eyes. _The Claddagh ring._

They must have missed this when they raided his apartment. Jeno stares at for a second, before closing it again. He can’t find himself to care about the ring for a second longer. It does nothing for him anymore. 

-

True to Doyoung’s word, he meets up with Renjun again. He gets a letter sent to his door, telling him to meet him at the meadow. This is one of the only benefits of what Jeno went through, they don’t have to hide anymore. 

As Jeno walks towards the meadow, he is surprised at how nice it is outside. It must be spring now, meaning Jeno spent most of winter at the Ministry of Truth. It makes Jeno realize that Doyoung was right; life carries on, even when your own life is halted. 

When he walks through the forest and reaches the meadow, Renjun is already waiting for him. He looks the same as before, hair a little longer, and a deep, introspective look on his face. He looks worried, like he doesn’t know if coming here was a good idea or not. 

They greet each other, but unlike every other meeting they’ve had, they don’t embrace, they don’t even look at each other. Even being in Renjun’s presence is overwhelming for Jeno. It feels too intimate. It feels like he is doing something wrong. Like he is betraying someone. 

Eventually Renjun speaks, breaking the awkward silence that encompasses them. “Jeno, I don’t know exactly what happened to you, but after getting caught by the thought police, I was put through a lot. I was tortured, brutalized, humiliated. It was awful,” he confesses. 

Jeno nods along. He knows exactly what Renjun is talking about. He has been through the exact same thing. Jeno doesn’t really feel the effects of it now though, he is too numb to feel the pain. At this point, he thinks he is too numb to feel much of anything. 

“I knew what I had to say to get out of there, so I said it,” Renjun confesses. “I betrayed you. I gave you up. I didn’t think they would believe me, but they did. I spent my entire life lying, pretending to be a perfect Party follower, and I guess it worked out. They believed me, and I was free to go shortly afterwards. Do you understand what I am saying?” he asks cautiously. 

Jeno shakes his head, confused by what Renjun is trying to say. He knows that Renjun betrayed him and he isn’t surprised, he betrayed him as well. But it sounds like Renjun is hinting at something more, something Jeno doesn’t quite understand. 

“What I am trying to say is that I betrayed you… but I didn’t mean any of it. I never meant any of it. They tried, but they couldn’t take what I felt for you away from me. Jeno, what I am trying to say is that… I still love you,” Renjun confesses. 

Jeno feels an emotion for the first time since leaving the Ministry of Truth upon hearing Renjun’s words. _Guilt._ He doesn’t know how to answer, feels like nothing can accurately describe what he wants to say. He wishes he could express his feelings, but he doesn’t feel much of anything anymore. 

“Renjun, I am so sorry. I was tortured, I was broken down. They brought me in a room with rats and they started to attack me, and I betrayed you. And… well, I meant it,” Jeno confesses, looking at Renjun clearly for the first time since entering the meadow. 

Renjun’s face drops for a second, before regaining composure. “That’s okay, Jeno. You were being tortured, there is no way you could’ve maintained strength throughout it all. I forgive you,” he says gently reaching for Jeno’s hand. 

Jeno tries to enjoy the feeling, but it feels absolutely wrong. Like he is cheating on someone. He yanks his hand away, ignoring the broken look on Renjun’s face. “I don’t think you understand, Renjun. I don’t feel anything anymore. I don’t think we can be together,” he confesses. 

Renjun’s eyes fill with tears that spill down his cheeks, looking at Jeno desperately, eyes begging him to take back his words. “B-but… but you said you loved me,” he whispers. 

Oh. So Renjun heard him after all. Jeno figures his next words will be the nail in the coffin of their relationship, but he can’t help it. It needs to be said. 

“I’m sorry Renjun, but I only love Big Brother now.” 

-

They agree to meet one more time, to go and see Mark and Haechan. They don’t know how they have held up, or what happened to them, but he knows they weren’t arrested. They are proles afterall, they have no loyalty to the Party. Jeno has the claddagh ring in his back pocket, planning on giving it back. He doesn’t see any use for it in his home anymore. 

Jeno and Renjun meet in Empathy Square, like they used to every night. They greet each other briefly, but don’t say much. There isn’t much that needs to be said between them anymore. 

They are about to begin their journey when something in the air shifts. Jeno had almost forgotten what it meant, but remembers just in time. A bomb. 

Jeno isn’t sure what compels him to do what he does next, but before he can think he shoves Renjun to the ground, covering his entire body with his. His entire brain screams at him, telling him to protect the boy under him, to make sure he experiences no harm. 

When the smoke clears, and everything starts to turn back to normal, Jeno takes a look at Renjun’s face. He looks absolutely stunned, like he can’t believe Jeno just did that. 

They get up and walk to Haechan and Mark’s shop in silence, Jeno deep in thought.

_What does this mean? Why did I protect him? I thought I didn’t love him. They told me I never loved him. So why did the thought of something happening to him terrify me so much?_

When they arrive, everything has changed. Jeno was worried about was going to happen to Mark and Haechan after their shop was destroyed by the thought police. Would they be upset with them? Were they even ok? The answers were no and yes. 

As soon as they stepped foot in the shop, they were immediately greeted by hugs. Jeno takes a second to look around and sees the shop has now been transformed into a flower shop. 

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” Haechan says, pulling Renjun into a tight hug. “I didn’t know what was going to happen to you, or if you’d be hurt or not.”

Renjun squeezes his friend back just as tight, desperate for some form of human contact after everything he has been through. “I was worried about you guys too. I didn’t know what would happen to you after everything was destroyed.”

Haechan pats his head gently, reassuring him. “It’s okay. We converted the space into a flower shop. We created a greenhouse on the roof, and have been selling our flowers. Business it better than it ever was when we were an antique shop. I think people just want a little bit of beauty in their lives,” he says gently. 

Jeno is so glad to hear this. If anyone deserves good things, it’s Mark and Haechan. They did so much for them, helped them through so much and it had cost them everything. Yet here they are, smiling and thriving. 

Mark grins at them, “We were able to replace one item, though,” he says reaching behind the counter and pulling out a brand new guitar. “Business was so good that Haechan surprised me with this after our first month.”

“Play a song, please,” Renjun asks, sitting down on a chair in the corner of the room. Mark agrees, and starts strumming a familiar tune, Haechan joining in and singing along. 

_Wherever I am, even if I'm dreaming_  
_To me, it's only you_  
_I'll swear upon the rest of my life_  
_There won't be another you, you're my last_

Looking at Renjun, surrounded by red tulips, and the familiar song being sung in the background, Jeno finally realizes why he did what he did. 

-

They visit with Mark and Haechan for a few hours, catching up and talking about life. Jeno feels himself laughing, and smiling, and _feeling_ for the first time since leaving the Ministry of Truth. He realizes that he is becoming himself again, healing from all the trauma he has gone through. Time gets away from them, and before they know it, it’s already late evening. 

“Why don’t you guys go up to the roof and see the greenhouse before the sun sets,” Mark suggests. Renjun hesitates, looking like he is about to refuse but Jeno agrees hastily, and the two walk up the stairs until they reach the roof. 

Standing there is a little glass building with tons of flowers growing in front of them. The feeling of being surrounded by so much life is almost overwhelming for Jeno, but he makes himself breathe. Makes himself calm down because he has something important he needs to say. Renjun beats him to it. 

“Jeno… why did you jump on top of me when the bomb dropped earlier?” he asks softly, choosing to look at the flowers in front of him instead of making eye-contact. 

“I wasn’t doing it consciously… it just happened,” Jeno admits. Renjun immediately deflates, turning towards the door to leave. Jeno grabs his arm, stopping him from going. 

“Renjun wait..,” Jeno says. They stand there staring at each other for a moment, Renjun waiting for Jeno to speak, and Jeno waiting for the right words to come to him. They never come, however, and Jeno forces himself to go off the cuff, speak without trying to make it perfect. 

“When I realized the bomb was about to drop, it’s like nothing mattered to me except your safety. I would have done anything to keep you safe. And it made me realize, it was so easy to betray you when it wasn’t real. You weren’t there and you weren’t in danger. But if you were there, if the rats were attacking you, I would have done anything to protect you,” Jeno admits. 

Renjun looks at him completely shocked, with another emotion barely there on his face. Jeno realizes that it’s hope that he’s seeing, and he wants to say more. Wants to give Renjun hope again. 

“The Party tried to convince me that I didn’t love you, and for a second I believed them. But they were wrong. They will always be wrong,” he says reaching into his pocket. 

He pulls out the claddagh ring and grabs onto Renjun’s hand, holding it tightly, desperately. “This is a claddagh ring. It signifies friendship, loyalty, and love. I want you to know that I will always be your friend, and you can always count on me to be there for you when it counts. I want you to know that I will always be loyal to you, above everything and anyone else,” Jeno says pausing for a second to catch his breath.

“And lastly, most importantly, I want you to know that I will always love you. And nothing, not even the Party or Big Brother, can change that,” Jeno admits sliding the ring onto the ring finger of Renjun’s right hand. Renjun has tears falling down his cheeks and pulls Jeno into a firm grasp, holding onto him for dear life. 

“I thought I lost you,” Renjun sobs into his shoulder, voice raw with emotion. 

“Never,” Jeno replies, gripping just as tightly and pulling Renjun in for a deep kiss. 

Jeno doesn’t know what the future holds for them. The Party might kill them. They might torture and brainwash them again. They might join a real rebellion. They might even run away. Jeno has no idea what will happen but he knows one thing for sure: he loves Renjun and no one can ever take that away from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and that's a wrap! i really hope you guys enjoyed it and i offer my sincerest thanks to anyone who has read and enjoyed this fic. I read every comment and they mean the absolute world to me. as always feel free to leave any criticism/thoughts/ suggestions down below
> 
> the red tulips in the fic signify undying love by the way
> 
> i almost ended this fic after jeno says that he only loves big brother now, but i wanted to give them a hopeful ending
> 
> please look forward to more writing from me! i have a new fic im working on that is really light-hearted and fun after this heavy fic, and like 20 other fic ideas. 
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/lefargenjeno)
> 
> [my cc](https://curiouscat.me/lefargen)


End file.
